This weekend has been an emotional weekend to say the least. I won’t go in to details here, but suffice it to say a lot has happened that is out of my control to people I love. I suppose it is to be expected, given my love of control and fixing things. Throughout my life I can point to distinct periods where my life has been rocked and I realize that yes, there is a God and I am not Him. I am so thankful that I have gone through these times, painful though they may be. It is so healthy for me to learn (again) that I am not in control. Deep down, I know that I do not want to be in control because I will mess it up and I cannot handle that pressure, but on a day-to-day basis I often idolize control and solving my own problems. I’ll phrase it so it comes across as responsibility, but often there is a root of control issues.
Ashamedly, I am amazed at how these events, which I know are insignificant, have nonetheless revealed my lack of faith. I know in my mind that my God is almighty, holy, good, powerful and in control, but my heart reveals my doubts. I waver between realism and hopelessness (there is a fine line in this situation), but my hopelessness shows how small I believe God to be. I do not trust Him to work out the lives of those I love.
In all of this God is also faithful, something that I am too quick to forget. He will not only remain faithful in this situation, but his daily mercies are incomprehensible. I have had trouble this weekend focusing my mind in prayer and reading scripture and still, when I am a part of musical worship at church this evening, He is faithful to speak truth into my heart and calm my mind and spirit to give me peace that is only from Him, beyond understanding. There was actually one song that I was incapable of singing aloud because I was sobbing, but it echoed so clearly what I needed to hear and reassure me. (Those of you who know me, also know that I hate to cry, especially in public, but sometimes a good cry is healing. There, I said it.) I am so thankful to a God who cares about my inmost thoughts, feelings, emotions and the little events in my life that in the grand scheme of my life and especially the world, are insignificant. I am also thankful that I am not in control and that the Lord is faithful to remind me of this.