Overstuffed and Underwhelmed

I am still a little unnerved by the decision to share so many of my private thoughts on the internet for the world to read. It is a little disconcerting, though slightly intoxicating, to see that readers from all over the world have read my blog. It also makes me wonder how many of my real friends are reading – come on people, if readers in Afghanistan, Korea, Russia and Belarus can find me then SO CAN YOU!

Anyways, it is easy for me to trivialize or dumb down my understanding of who God is or what I am learning. I can use a little bit of humor and inappropriate sarcasm to deflect attention from the seriousness of it all. The reality is though, that God is HOLY. A fact that I would do well to remember and ponder. My girl, Paige Benton Brown said: “In each biblical episode, when we seek God, we find more than we want.” Ain’t that the truth.

I like to think that I always want more of God, but that just isn’t true. I’ve been in church long enough to say that I do, but when push comes to shove, I want more knowledge of God. I want to be a smarter sinner. I want to think, learn, and know. And if life change comes from that, great! If not, well at least I can win an argument… Unfortunately, this means that I am often overstuffed with knowledge, yet underwhelmed with God. Emotions aren’t really my thing, so it is challenging for me to worship with my emotions. For me to see emotions as a good thing. This means that it takes a lot for me to feel an emotion for/about/towards God.

I have a hard time right now understanding the love of God. I am starting to wrap my mind around the fact that He is holy and I am not. I am starting to feel the weight of my own sin, but then I get stopped short at wondering how a holy god can love? How is it not blasphemous for a holy God to even want to be in relationship with sinners? How is it not a defamation of character for God to send Jesus to die? How is that justice and not injustice?

“What makes the gospel is not the removal of obstacles [to joy], but joy once obstacles are removed as we behold the object of our joy [that is Christ]” – John Piper, TGCW12

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