Sometime over the past 2 years I became a woman I would have disdained 5 years ago. I’m currently in 2 women’s studies studies and not the liberal arts college kind. Nope. We’re talking about biblical femininity, there are tears, snacks (though I’m not really complaining about that one), and the words breasts, stretch marks, and sex were all used in our first meeting.
What happened to me?
Well, if I’m honest a whole lot-some big things and some subtle, almost subliminal and subversive changes have been occurring. Part of me thinks that I should have run when I had the chance – back when I was a senior in college and I walked into a room of candles, flowers, and color-coded name tags. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. There was something about the woman on stage that kept my attention – even when I was sure that what they were talking about did NOT in any way, shape, form, or fashion apply to me. And I told them so in a not-so-subtle email afterwards. (I like to keep things real and super personal so I send scathing emails that require no accountability on my part.) Truth be told, it would have been much easier to not change. My goals, dreams, ethos would not be obliterated. The measures of success that I determined for myself would not be invalidated. Yes, that would have been much easier.
At times, this process has been quite unnerving. I find myself agreeing with ideas that used to infuriate me. My dreams are different now. I feel the need to justify the “new me” to the “old me.” Sometimes I feel like I’m having deja vu, but I’m on the other end of the conversation. Amidst all of the change that comes with graduating college, I’m also thinking about my core identity a lot – what does it mean to be a woman? (In the name of honesty, I’m going to admit that typing that question hurts me a little). The best way to describe it is like little parts of me, who I am, are dying constantly. I often find myself saying: “The old me would hate what I’m about to say, but…”
I think someone else talked about dying to yourself too…
Unlike these girls, I am still FOR women’s suffrage: